i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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