I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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