My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
