yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
