Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
