not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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