I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
