Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
