the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
