Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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