I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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