K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
