Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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