She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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