whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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