I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
