Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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