I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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