Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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