come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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