we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
