This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish you could order shots online.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
