my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
its liver damage thursday
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
