Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
