My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
be right there i have to get my cape
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
