is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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