Where is the hickey?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
