I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
