I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
