Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
