turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize