Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
