If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
