Please, let me fuck your mom
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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