I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
