Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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