I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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