Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
