Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
