I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
