oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
