Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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