I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize