vagina is talking i cant
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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