I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Randomize
