our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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