I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
