He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
