I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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