I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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