My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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