i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
