Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
