3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
