I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
