My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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