I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
